People have compared raising children to a roller coaster with its ups and downs and twists and turns of fear and fun. I get that. I also think of raising children akin to an 18 year plane ride. When the child (or children) are born, the plane takes off. Theres a sense of excitement, fear and a wonderment about the journey ahead. You hope for a predictably stable flight, encounter some turbulence and settle in for all that’s to come…and it does. I look at families with young infants and young children and have a bit of envy with regard to how much time they have left on their ride. That’s because while my ride isn’t over yet, its on its slow decent back to the terminal.
The ground is starting to become more clear and its almost time to start to think about what life will be like when we land. The irony here is that unlike the excitement and wonderment of take off, there is a knowledge that once we arrive and de-board, life will look very different. As parents of twins, this will hit one time, with a double punch and I fully expect to wake up the next day feeling like I’ve lost a piece of myself.
It seems that there’s an abundance of information, support and advice for those expecting and new parents but what about the ones who come back home to empty rooms, deafening silence and halls filled with old artifacts and memories? It can feel like they are on their own. However, the truth I believe, is in part that these days parents have become closer to their children than perhaps we were with our own. Therefore, the existential crises that looms after children take their first huge leap into a larger world to find their independence can feel like a hole that needs to be filled.
Instead however, what if it isn’t a hole that needs to be filled but rather just a ticket to a new flight…destination unknown. As an empty nester, you could understand this trip into the unknown because it has been taken before when you became a parent and led to your substantiative growth as person. Being a parent does that. This time however, the trip isn’t to grow and develop your children’s sense of independence, it is to grow and re-develop your own. What does that look like though?
Often parents don’t remember life before children representative of how it actually was. Sure there may be fleeting thoughts of parties, a lack of responsibilities that you incur as a parent and the ability to put your wants and needs first. Wait, has that much really changed now that the kids are now on their own? What if…this was a chance to get to know your partner again. What if, in the space that was left you get to experience what your passions are now through the eyes of a more knowledgable and hopefully financially stable viewpoint? What if…you can reinvent and or awaken any dormant version of yourself that had to take a backslide to the daily needs of raising kids. This can be the moment that you not only get to re-explore and get to know your partner (if you have one) but also yourself and your new place in the world as a parent of independent children. Raising independent children was the goal after all, even if you didn’t realize it. An existential crises or dilemma can soon become the fuel for self actualization on a level you have not experienced before. You have the tools now.
Remember dads, its okay to grieve this loss too. We often think of moms as the ones who experience grief around the empty nest but this couldn’t be further from the truth. While nothing can replace a mother’s bond with their children, having carried them and given birth to them, a father is not exempt for the grief that comes with realizing that they too have landed in this transitional space and no longer carry the labels of coach, caregiver, protector etc. Men unfortunately however often don’t speak to friends, partners or professionals on the subject, choosing to keep it in. As a father myself, I implore you to fight that instinct if it exists. Its okay to grieve, to mourn and miss what was. Your partner is in that place too too and if you are a singe parent dealing with navigating this transition and loss, recognize that so are the toughest of your friends, even if they seem to be celebrating the transition overtly.
In the end, even through that transitional sadness and grief, you can still purposefully grow, explore and re-create yourself and life. So after the kids have gone and your spending some time staring at old photos on your phone, aimlessly going into their rooms or wishing you had a time traveling DeLorean, maybe purchase some new airline tickets (real or metaphorical) for your next big adventure.
By: Jason Marchitto, LPC, LCADC, ACS